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Construction Humor


Construction Definitions

Contractor – usually the Lowest Bidder.
Lowest Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Change Orders – where to charge what was left out
Bid- A wild guess carried out to two decimal places
Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.
Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which
every musician is in a different union.
Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.
Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.

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Engineer in Heaven :
An Engineer dies on a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at Heavens Gates by a rock band.

Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the Engineer

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the fact that
you lived to be 100 years old."

"But that's not true," says the Engineer. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets."

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One morning a contractor called an architectural (or engineering) firm and asked to speak to an architect regarding a particular project.

The receptionist, with a voice full of regret, said, "I'm sorry, sir, but the architect recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site."

The contractor stated his condolences and hung up. About an hour later the same contractor called back and asked to speak to an architect regarding the same project.

Again, the receptionist gave the contractor the bad news: "I'm sorry, sir, but the architect recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site." As before, the contractor mumbled his regrets and hung up.

This pattern repeated itself each hour throughout the morning, until, at last, the receptionist recognized the contractor's voice, whereupon she said to him, "Say, why do you keep calling here when you know I'm going to say the architect has recently died a slow, agonizing death out on a project site?"

The contractor, now exploding with long-suppressed, maniacal laughter, gasped, "Because I love to hear you say it!"

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Engineers and Lawyers:

There are two big conferences in NY....one for Engineers and one for Lawyers. They are both being held in the same building downtown.

On the first day of the conference, two groups run into each other at the train station and chat while waiting in line to buy tickets into the city.

When they reach the counter, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats, but all three Engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (recognizing the Engineers' superior intellect). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."




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